I recently witnessed a scene at a skating rink that stayed with me long after I left. A small child, no more than three years old, was in full skating gear, trying to learn to skate backwards under the close watch of a parent.
The child was crying, exhausted, pleading for the day to end. But the parent kept instructing—pushing for more practice, more effort, more perfection. There were no comforting words, no hugs, no moment of pause to acknowledge how the child was feeling. Instead, there was sternness. And when the child finally made it to the end of the rink, the parent walked away, leaving the child trailing behind in quiet shame.
I felt such deep compassion for that child. All I wanted in that moment was to scoop her up and offer her the kindness she was yearning for.
What Happens When Empathy Is Missing?
It’s easy to see how repeated moments like this can plant seeds that shape a child’s sense of self. Children who are pushed to meet impossible standards—without empathy, attunement, or comfort—may grow into adults who struggle with perfectionism, people-pleasing, and harsh self-criticism.
They may sit across from a therapist years later, trying to untangle why it’s so hard to rest, why self-compassion feels foreign, or why nothing they do ever feels “good enough.”
I sincerely hope that isn’t the path for the child I saw that day. But it’s a powerful reminder that parenting is one of the most important forms of preventative mental health care.
What Children Need Most From Us
Children don’t need perfection from their parents. But they do need some things most of the time.
- A safe haven — a parent who protects, comforts, delights in, and helps organize their child’s feelings.
- A secure base — a parent who watches over, encourages, helps, and enjoys their child as they explore the world.
It’s okay not to get this right 100% of the time. That’s not realistic. But aiming to be that safe, steady presence most of the time makes a profound difference in a child’s development, emotional health, and future relationships—including the one they have with themselves.
If you’re interested in learning more about fostering secure attachment as a parent, I encourage you to visit this helpful resource.
The small, everyday moments of parenting matter far more than we often realize. It’s not just the big milestones or achievements that shape a child’s emotional world—it’s the quiet, repeated experiences of feeling seen, heard, and valued. Empathy, patience, and connection don’t simply help a child succeed in the moment; they build the foundation for resilience, self-worth, and emotional well-being that can last a lifetime.
No parent is perfect, nor are they expected to be. What matters is striving to meet your child with kindness and understanding most of the time, and repairing with care when things go off course. When children feel safe and supported, they are better able to face life’s challenges, trust themselves, and develop healthy relationships with others.
If you’re a parent wondering how to nurture this kind of connection, or if you’re reflecting on your own upbringing and how it shaped you, know that support is available. Therapy can offer a space to explore these questions, strengthen your relationship with your child, and cultivate more self-compassion along the way. You and your child both deserve that.
