As a therapist, I sometimes meet parents who bring their children to counselling with the hope that therapy will transform their child into the “child of their dreams.” Often, this comes from a place of concern or fear, but at times, it reflects deep disapproval of who their child is or how they are choosing to live. The child may not fit into the picture the parent had imagined—and that can bring about complex feelings of disappointment, confusion, or shame.
It’s human to want the best for those we love. But what happens when “the best” becomes tied to an idea of what we think our child should be? What happens when love starts to feel conditional—when it feels as though connection hinges on approval?
Disapproval Without Disconnection
I may not be a parent myself, but I hold deep respect for the sacredness of the parent-child bond. As a Muslim, I also understand the weight and meaning of family ties. In Islam, family relationships are not something to sever lightly; cutting off a loved one is discouraged except in cases of severe harm or abuse. Disapproval of a child’s life choices, values, or identity does not fall into that category.
When parents react with silent treatment, harsh words, or even disownment, the result is often deeper isolation for the child—at a time when they most need love, understanding, and connection. These responses don’t bring a child closer to the parent’s hopes; instead, they often push the child further away, increasing distress, loneliness, and mental health struggles.
The example of Prophet Noah (peace be upon him) reminds us of a different way. His son chose disbelief, yet Noah did not meet him with cruelty or rejection. He continued to care and to call him toward what he believed was good, without breaking that fundamental bond of compassion.
Why Does Love Feel Conditional?
For many children, the most painful wounds are not caused by disagreement—they are caused by the sense that love is dependent on meeting expectations. A child may wonder: Am I only worthy when I do what my parents want? Am I only enough if I fit their vision of me?
Love that feels conditional can leave children emotionally adrift. It can create a gap where connection once lived—a gap that may be filled with shame, fear, or anger. And it can turn moments that could be opportunities for guidance into moments that reinforce disconnection.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to agree with everything your child does. You don’t have to accept every choice. But what would it look like to continue offering love that is steady, patient, and present—even when your child is not the person you imagined?
The bond you share began before they were even born. That connection deserves protection. It is through that unconditional love that your child may feel safe enough to reflect, to grow, and perhaps even to return to you in moments when they feel lost.
The Role of Therapy in Navigating These Challenges
Parenting is one of the most sacred and challenging journeys. It brings up our own histories, beliefs, and vulnerabilities. If you find yourself struggling to balance your values with compassion for your child’s path, therapy can offer a space to reflect, process, and explore new ways of connection.
At Hilm Psychology, I offer a supportive space for parents and families navigating these complex dynamics—with gentleness, intention, and respect for what matters most to you.
Perhaps it is not control or disapproval that brings your child closer to the path you hope for—but rather, your unconditional love, patience, and presence. In holding space for your child just as they are, you keep the door open for connection, growth, and healing. Parenting through difficult moments is never easy, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. If you’re seeking guidance on how to strengthen your bond with your child while staying true to your values, therapy can offer support and clarity along the way.
